Friday, May 31st, 2002: "Well, it
has begun..." I wrote those words, to begin this
journal, on June 19th, 2001
And now, I honestly don't know where, or how to begin....
One of the first things I did before sitting down and starting to write here this evening, was to go back and read everything I've ever written in this journal. Including the first opening page that talks about how I'll try and write openly and honestly as much as I could about simply what was happening in my life, my thoughts and my dreams.
Little did I know what that kind of honestly would bring me.
When it began I didn't know how long this site would live for, or if anyone would really bother to do anything other than check out my live cams to see if they could see some flesh and, not seeing anything much exciting, never return.
It didn't turn out that way. As of this moment, over 273,000 people have stopped in for a look, many returning for the "umpteeth" time, some for the very first time, having discovered JaySheldon.com through some search engine or referral from another site.
I still, just yesterday in fact, received an email from someone who'd never visited before and wrote to say he loved the site and was sorry to see it go so soon after he found it. A bit earlier this week I heard from Ben, a 22 year old from Houston Texas who not only has his own site (IcyEmpire.com) but finds himself in almost exactly the same situation that I am, missing badly someone he can't be with, because of laws that keep gay couples apart if they aren't lucky enough to be born in the same country.
So this journey I began on June 19th, 2001 is about to take a turn in the road. It isn't over, it will never be over. It is just continuing along another path. And what an unbelievable journey it has been.
I wish very much that there were a way to bring you all along with me on
this part of my journey, but it just isn't possible at this moment.
For those of you, the casual web surfers, reading along, interested in my life for whatever reason, maintaining a website like this one and keeping things fairly fresh is hard work. It takes a tremendous amount of time and devotion, not to mention money. When I started, I had absolutely no idea what kind of time and effort on my part it would involve. The road ahead for me is one that will take most of my concentration, and because of that. and financial responsibilities too, I make this difficult choice.
I have tried very hard to live for the last 44 years with a few beliefs that
I hold dear: To take a chance on life... To love completely... and to have
It is these thoughts that allow me to begin a new chapter in my life.
This Website has been a source of unfathomable pleasure and sometimes, very deep pain for me. I have made the most wonderful friends and, at times, made some people very upset with me. It isn't something of course that I set out to do, but it happened. I still owe a number of people a great deal and they know who they are and they should know that I will never forget them. One day, I will be in a position to repay them their kindnesses.
I could not begin to names all the names of the people I've found as new friends as this journey moved along. There are so many many people that I know I will leave most of them out if i treid to list them all. Most of the people I've come to know are simply names on a screen, in an email address or in a chat window, we've never met in person. But each one of you should know that we have shared an incredible experience together, and I've cherished every moment of it.
I've given him the credit before and I will do it one more time: DJ Paris from New York City of DJParis.com. I've never denied it, his site was the inspiration for mine. I still admire his work. By the way do you want to know something funny? ... he never ever DID write me back! (If you've been around here for long, you'll know what I'm talking about)
Jim and Ron, .....You guyz....! Thank you so much for being there when I needed you most and sometimes when I didn't know I did! Rene, you are the definition of a true friend.
I'll never forget you guys and I know we'll be friends for life.
Dynamic Dad, your words often keep me sane. Joey, you're always there, you're a special guy, thank you.
Eric, we never did have much time to know each other, but I will always think of you. If I continue, there are literally hundreds of names and I can' possibly get them all here. Just please know that each one of you holds a special place in my heart.
And finally, this site did one more thing for my life. The most important
thing that has ever happened to me, and the last thing I expected when it
began a year ago.
That, .... is Rodney.
Is wasn't this site that chanced us to meet, but it was this site and this journal in particular that changed his mind about who I am and what I'm all about. If you haven't read it, or have forgotten, he always thought I was just some rice queen sleezeball, interested in simply getting him into my bed. He has always told me that once he sat down and read what I'd written here, he realized that I was someone very different, someone he was interested in. Very different from what he'd first thought. He began to see me, for me, instead of that guy always hanging out at the bar.
I have written so many words here in my journal about my love for him, I don't think I need to repeat them except to say that no one, not one single person ever has meant as much to me as this man. I am totally devoted to him, in everything, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Most especially of all, I love him unconditionally. He returns that love to me in ways that even he doesn't know. It is the most wonderful feeling on earth. And it is that reason that at I am moving to Malaysia to be with him.
It strikes me funny how people react to that idea when they realize that I'm serious and I really am going. My friends, acquaintances if you will, all ask if I'm sure of what I'm doing and do I really want to move so far away and start again? My very close, close friends, all tell me that I have their support and if I ever need anything they are there for us. They are sad to see me go. but they believe things will work out and love will conquer all. When I think about it, those friends' feelings and thoughts for me haven't changed a bit. They are the same no matter what I was doing, even staying put. True friends accept what you decide and support what you believe in with your heart.
I know that what the future holds, no one can know. I also know that, as I have lived as far, I will continue to live and love. If I did not do everything within my power to be with the man I love so completely I would regret it, and I will NOT have a single regret. Not one.
I Love You, Rodney... always, ... and forever
As I've said before, this is not the end. One day, perhaps even after things
settle down over there in Kuala Lumpur and I'm able to, I will update and
continue this journal on the Geocities pages,but I have to prioritize things
in my life and being with the man I love and making my way there is priority
number one. This site will have to wait.
I will miss you all so very very much. You can never know just how much you've meant to me. The thousands of emails and messages and people I've met. Please keep in touch and write me once in a while. My regular email email@example.com will eventually go out, so after June, you can use firstname.lastname@example.org as a way of being in touch.
I love you all. We will both be back in this country again some day before long. Work hard, keep trying to do what you can to make things easier for all of us. Do what you can to change peoples' attitudes.
If we all work on it....imagine.... one day.... imagine...
and so, I will end this part of my life here on the web, with the same words I first wrote so long ago...
"Well, it has begun..."
I am going to have a final journal entry online, sometime by Friday or this
weekend. I won't bore you with things now, I promise full details in that
last entry, but, just so you know, even though this site jaysheldon.com will
be gone. I will always keep the geocities.com mirror site. I hope to, one
day, start writing in my journal again. That will not be until well after
I get settle in over there with Rodney, and get my feet on the ground. In
case you want to bookmark that site, it's :
You'll see various versions of this site there as things here get closer to going offline.
Of course the webcam will also disappear from that site. I hope to just have the archives of the past.
When this site does go out Monday, there will be one last month (June) that
I will leave it up, but you will see something very different here.
When you log into www.jaysheldon.com, you'll only see a "retrospective" appear.
It's a fairly large FLASH file, with music and pictures from the past year of my life. Be sure you have a good net connection,(it's about 4.3 mb!) and turn up your speakers. Who knows you might even see yourself there!
I don't make the choice of shutting down, what has become so much a part of my life, easily. Yet nothing, NOTHING is more important to me and nothing will stop me from being with the man that I love.
I know that one day before long, this site will return. The geocities site will continue to live on, albeit not updated for a long time.
Now don't get confused. if you're reading this on the Geocities site. you'l always be able to see this, it just won't be changing for a while and the camera will be gone. But one day, before long, I'll be back writing and updating, and getting pictures online.
So, that's the news from here for now. Check back this weekend for one last journal update for this time around, and after Monday check out the last month of JaySheldon.com.
Wednesday May 29th, 2002: FINALLY!! Damn! My host server company got their collective heads out of their asses and fixed my problem. I know from "you guys" side there it didn't seem to be much happening, the site was still up and running as usual, other than the webcam not updating for about 4 days!!! But believe me, from THIS side of the site, things were a mess!. Well, my job hunt continues in KL. My focus now is to be leaving Key West either at the end of June or, if I have to, July. Of course, I want it to be right this minute, but I want to make sure I have everything as "in order" as it can be, so my prospects of work there are really good, before I head over. BUT, make NO bones about it I AM GOING! There is NO doubt about that. I am still waiting on a definite word on a couple of jobs I HAVE applied for there from all this distance away, but as I've said so many times here...
If you think long distance relationships are tough... try long distance job hunting!!!
By the way, I know most of you don't live even CLOSE to Key West, but I know I have some loyal followers in this area. Almost everything I own is for sale as I prepare to move, so if you want to email me, we can connect and I'll let you know, I have an entire condo full of stuff to sell.
More to come later, and a HUGE announcement here very, very soon. Just wanted to get a quick update posted here so you wouldn't think I'd left town! (YET!)
Keep the faith...always ...and say a prayer for me, if you're so inclined. Anything might help at this point!
By the way, I realized also that some of the journal pages for some months
also do not show up on geocities (good gawd! what next!) again, I have NO
idea why, but I'm working to get it resolved. Sorry again!
Big news still to come, so keep checking back to these pages for more soon!
ROdney is doing very well, and HE LANDED A GREAT JOB! Yes!!!!! It's a really good job downtown in KL. I won't give you all the details. I don't know if he'd want me to, but if you're ever in KL, be sure and check out all the "trendy" restaurants on Bintang Walk, you'll find us there! hehehe!
More to come later. Again, wish me the best with my job hunt and keep those emails and help coming! Thanks!
There is going to be a MAJOR update and announcement here in the journal about jaysheldon.com in the next few days. Please check back. Big things are happening. I promise to keep you up to date as much as I can. Please keep those emails coming with connections for companies that have offices overseas and might be able to find me something! I really appreciate everything you all have sent me so far. It means a lot!
The building you see in the background is a new hotel they built in the past
year. Behind that, is where the sun sets, so you should get some great shots
in the evenings.
I'll try and keep this journal as updated as I can and again, a big HELLO to our new South East Asian surfers! Join us in the Jay Sheldon Dot Com Chat room sometime! Once in a while I even show up there!
And finally... once again, Happy Anniversary to the man who is my love, my life, and my universe. We will be in each others arms soon, together again, and forever my love.
You are here in my heart...
Always, ...and forever.
I told you so! Now, come on! All those companies, and you mean to
tell me that, someone you know, isn't connected somehow to something,
somewhere. Come on my friends, I need an inside track here! I'm begging,
I'm pleading....I'm whining!!!!!
I WILL be in KL before long, I WILL find work there, I WILL be with the person who means everything to me. I do NOT care what it takes. This life is too short, not to spend every single moment, living, laughing, learning, experiencing and most important of all, above all else, LOVING. No regrets!
Now, get off your ass and EMAIL ME some help!
Thanks, I owe ya!
I'm working on a rather lame version, which just won't have all those pictures
from the past. At least people can read about what's been happening in my
life and get some idea of what I'm all about.
Oh! Another weird piece of news. One day last week I suddenly received a TON of emails from people I had never heard of before. They mostly were saying things like "I'm so sorry to hear about your separation from your love. I wish I could help." " I might know someone who knows someone who could help you find a job in KL" etc., etc.
Well, of course I couldn't figure out where all these new people were coming from, until one email explained everything. I'm not that familiar with the IRC chat program. It's been around forever, kind of an early version of ICQ or AIM. And I go waaaaay back in my very very early days of the internet. If you've been around here as long as I have, you remember the days when you had to download dirty pictures as text file and then piece them together just to see some blurry shot of naked men? (hehehe) Yeah, it's been a long time! Now we watch them crystal clear and live! Well, IRC chat is about that old!
Anyway, one guy wrote me to tell me that my "Malaysian Tour 2002" mirror site page was posted on the IRC chat "GWM4GAM"
(gay-white-men-for-gay-asian-men: if you haven't figured that out) and apparently it became quite the topic of discussion on the chat channel!
Woo Hoo! Whatever,... as long as it might help in finding a connection to get my ass to KL, they can post things and talk about me all they like! I just wish I could have listened in on the conversation! Honestly, I received a bunch of really really nice letters from people. All of whom either offered to help, or wished me the best of luck and sympathized with my plight. Several of them told me of their stories which in so many cases, were almost exactly the same as Rodney and mine. Sad isn't it, so many bi-national gay couple having to suffer the same time and time again... When will we ever learn?
Okay, enough soap boxing...
Not much else to tell you about really, work is mercifully slow at the moment, which is always a good thing. Rodney's is doing fine and has already had some success in finding himself a job he likes. We talk on the phone (thank gawd for AT&T's international rates plan!) and chat online, email or video conference every day. I still miss begin right there with him, being able to hold him tight and look into his eyes, but I know, with time, patience, your continued help and assistance and a lot of luck, we'll be back together soon.
I have to believe that...