Sunday, March 24th, 2002: First of all PLEASE don't anyone yell or even speak loudly. Jay has himself one HELL-A-cious hangover! The only saving grace is knowing that Rodney's is worse than mine! More about that later.
I finally got the chance, while nursing myself back to the living this afternoon, to sit down and edit the shots from our going away party last Thursday night. We all had a great time and most of the gang from Rodney's work was there. Clicking on these thumbnails will open the shots in new windows. Let me see if I can remember all the people who were there...


This was a real "international" party. We had a couple of us from the U.S., and people from Germany, Guatemala, Mainland China, France, The Philippines, Mexico, Malaysia and Australia! It was a lot of fun getting together with everyone for one last time.

Oh, damn! I almost forgot again. I've been meaning to write about this for 4 days now. CBS's Survivor. If you read the earlier journal entries, you know about ROdney and my argument about who'd the favorite, well, they voted off Hunter a couple of weeks ago. Hunter was his fav and my second choice after Rob. Well... MISTAKE!!! On last weeks show Rob showed his true colors. He is a homophobic asshole! Cute to look at, but he COMPLETELY blew it in my book when he started making anti gay comments about the other players.  He really IS a manipulating moron. So, now I'm left with a real dilemma... I have to pick another favorite... Hmmmm this might take some thinking. I'll get back to you. besides, I'm going to miss the next 3 episodes!

Friday night Rodney and I went to the movies and saw Ice Age. IT WAS GREAT! I hadn't been to the movies in a long time, and this was a real treat. I absolutely fell in love with Scrat, the little squirrel-like creature with the acorn. I think I can relate to him, that's why he's my favorite! Check out the Ice Age website too. It's interactive and a lot of fun!

Now, on to last night.....AAAAARRRGGG! We went out with "The gang" for one last night on the town. We hit KWEST and Bourbon Street. When I say "hit" I mean HIT. Everyone was buying drinks and by 1 AM we were both TOTALLY wasted! Oh Gawd! I have not been that drunk since I was 19! (Yes, back then the drinking age in Connecticut was 18!) Once again, I have to say a HUGE thank you to the roommate Mark, he came through for us again. Instead of having to dal with a cab in our condition, Mark came to the rescue and picked up these two silly Marys and drove our drunken asses home. Now I just have to figure out how to get back down there and get my car back home! Thanks again Mark. It was a fun night, what I remember of it. It's about 4 o'clock in the afternoon as I write this and Rodney has JUST woken up! He actually looks worse than I do! Although both our stomachs are VERY queasy. You know what, even writing that word "queasy" makes me feel it! Damn! I got it bad! Hope I recover enough so the flight doesn't bother me.
On to that, and this is probably the last update I'll get to do until I get back. The rest of today and tomorrow is going to be very busy for us packing and getting ready.
We leave early Tuesday morning from Key West. I tried everything I knew how to be able to get you pictures from Malaysia WHILE I'm there, but the ability of uploading them to the site in Malaysia is damned near impossible. The internet access there isn't as available as I'd like and my camera needs it's own software to get the pictures from the camera and send them out, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait until I get back for them. But I promise I'll have lot's. I'm going to be keeping notes and a journal along the way while I'm there and I'll get it up and online as soon as I recover from my return trip. Here's a little map of our journey.
I always get very melodramatic before these long trips and I won't bore you with it. Suffice to say, I'm scheduled to return to Key West on Thursday April 11th. Unless I really get a wild hair across my ass and decide to say "Screw it" and never return... I'll see you all then. I'm going to be leaving the webcams up and running and Mark will have instructions on how to get them running again if anything should happen. But just so you know, even with battery backup, auto-redialers and all, sometimes here in the Keys we have power outages which can last for hours and if that happens, or my DSL chokes or something I've got most everything covered, but some things can't be planned for. The cams will just be down until I get back, if that should happen. And once again, a BIG thank you to Mark for covering my bases while I'm gone. SiSi will be here watching the fort and Kenia will stop in and check on her once in a while.
Thank you again for all your emails and IM's wishing us luck and letting us know you're thinking about us. It makes the journey easier. I'll see you and talk to you again when I get back.
I'm about to step into a new place, meet new people, make new friends, and then, however temporary, walk away from someone who means more to me than anything else on earth.

Wish me luck

Won't be long now...

A long time ago, somehow I learned the ability to "stand outside of myself". To watch what was going on in my life and appreciate it for what it was, good or bad. Not to quote Elton John songs, but I look at it all as a part of this circle of adventures we call "Life". It's this ability that allows me these days to barely hold on to what little sanity I have left. That's the ONLY reason I haven't had a complete meltdown yet.
Honestly, I have been SO damned depressed for the past week or two. Not to dwell, but I spend the entire day with this horrible overwhelming feeling that I just want to cry and I haven't been sleeping at night without getting up 2 or 3 times. Just "bang" and I'm wide-awake and can't get back to sleep. I suppose the "saving grace" is that I know the cause. Doesn't make me feel much better, but at least I can identify it. (If you've just stumbled on this Jay's Journal, you're going to need to go back a few months and read to catch up.)

There IS some happy news; I'll save that for the end of this journal entry.

Isn't it weird? Even now, as I sit here only 3 days away from when we leave for Malaysia, and I still have this thought that Rodney will change his mind and decide to stay. I absolutely know, with no doubt that it will not happen, but, call it what you will, that little light inside me, just will NOT let me, one hundred percent accept the fact that he really is going to leave. It's really not fair to him I guess. I want to scream and yell and cry out loud and beg him to say "Screw it" and stay here and take his chances. I want him to put ME first and say the hell with everything and everyone else. I want him to fight like hell to do whatever he can to stay with me here. I want to.... but I won't.
While he does have a choice, it isn't one I'd ask him to make. He has to do what's right for him, but damn it, it's just so freaking hard on me. You can quote all the cute little sayings like "That which does not kill us..." blah blah blah... it doesn't help. It still hurts too much.
I guess my biggest fear is the unknown. I don't want us to grow apart. 10,000 miles is a long way. The internet will, of course, keep us somewhat close, but I still can't reach out and hold him, touch him when I want to, or more importantly, when I NEED to, and he can't either. We've already made plans for the next time we're getting together, and it's a comfort, but it's still not enough. This is a man with whom I don't want to spend one moment away from, let alone months at a time.
I also don't want our last time together for now, spent with me being this whiny "Mary". But it seems I just can't help it. I know he can tell I'm really sad and in spite of the fact that I can "act" my way through anything, this is too painful for me to hide.
So, I write about my feelings here. I guess it helps to get them out. There is so much uncertainty ahead of us, and like anyone would be, I'm afraid.
Afraid, in spite of our assurances to each other, that time and distance will affect our relationship.
For the moment the anger has been overtaken by the sadness of our situation. Anger that we live in a society that keeps us apart.
I know, given time that these extreme sad feelings will pass. I know they'll be replaced with that passionate drive that will push me to do whatever I can to fight against those people that would keep people like you and I down. I know, in time, I'll find that place inside myself that gives me the strength to hold my head up and work to make a difference.
But until that time, I have to deal with my feelings in the "now". I have to allow myself to be sad for a while. Grieve a loss, if you will. Inside, I believe it isn't forever, but can anyone really guarantee me that it won't be? Can you tell me, for certain, that the time and distance won't make us grow apart? No one can. Dynamic Dad's words come back to me...
" May your love last forever... and may the two of you gain strength from that love you have for each other!" From your mouth to God's ears DD.

And a poem that Rodney wrote to me when he was in Malaysia last October is perhaps the most comforting of all.
It sits framed on our bureau and I read it every chance I get.
The words hold more meaning for me than you, or even he, will ever, ever know...

_____________

My Love

The sunrises in your eyes,

and the moonlight shines from your face

makes me realize how much I miss you..

I long to feel your touch

and hear your gentle voice

in every breath that I take

and every move that I make

Please know that I will be coming home

into your warm loving arms

I will love you with all my heart

and promise to be always true

till my very last breath

But always know that my love for you

will even last longer than that

till the sun no longer shine

and the moon no longer rises

my love for you will still be there

it would take a sea of ink if I want to write

how much I love you

and even then

no words can describe it..

I guess I just have to simply say

I LOVE YOU

and always will

Rodney Sheldon

________________

I'll write more later, before we go.

Then it was on to the world famous COPA! It wasn't very crowded, but it was a fantastic club, with great music and lot's of pretty boys.

But the thrill of my night was COLISEUM!

Wow! If you've never been this was MY idea of how a gay dance club should look! It's was like being in Babylon in Thailand (or Queer as Folk for that matter) Incredible hard house and techno blend music, hot sweaty half-naked gyrating bodies and plenty of them. Wow! This was an experience! Rodney was making everyone jealous dancing up on a pedestal, (Where he aptly belongs!) and it was a HOT night!
We finally stumbled home about 3 am.
Saturday night, we headed out for a tasty dinner at the place with George's Alibi again, this time though, we ate at "Tasty Thai" in the same complex. Great Thai food (my favorite) and then back out to Copa! SUnday was a rest and recovery day before we had to drive the long haul back to Key West. Fantastic weekend and a nice getaway!
                                                           
This was our view from the Sheraton. Wow...huh?!                                  And this was their view of us!

Speaking of going to Malaysia... I am STILL working on arranging for updates while I'm actually IN Kuala Lumpur, but it's beginning to look like you're going to have to wait until I get back for pictures and all. I haven't given up yet, but we'll see what happens. I'm doing my best for you.
Only a little over 2 weeks to go. I'm getting a bit nervous about this trip, but a part of me is kind of looking forward to it. I love to travel and don't really do enough of it. We'll be staying for a part of our trip at a beautiful hotel called the Melia. It's really nice and close to downtown KL. As long as Rodney's Mom doesn't mind, I'll be staying at his house for the rest of the trip until just before I get ready to return.
Oh! I almost forgot, We're trying to plan our next time together and Rodney's birthday is in August, so we're looking at getting together for that, but the trouble is WHERE to get together? Neither of us has seen Paris and we both very much want to, but... Paris in August? I've heard that it, literally, stinks? If any of you 'well traveled' folks out there know if this, or anything else, is a reason NOT to go to Paris in August please let me know! And if not, then we need another idea of somewhere romantic and about halfway between Key West and Kuala Lumpur! Hmmmmm. Plans-Plans-Plans!
Hey! I have been holding my own all week long on Jasbits, As I type I'm hanging in at NUMBER 4!!! Wow! Thank you for all your votes! That is a pleasant surprise!
Well, the weekend is almost over. We spent Friday night at home, watching movies and eating TOO MUCH POPCORN! Last night we went out with Kenia and Joe and had a blast at KWEST and Bourbon Street. Danced ourselves silly and didn't get home until about 3 in the morning! OUCH! Tonight, we're still deciding between staying put and watching Queer As Folks or going to T-dance at Atlantic Shores. It IS Spring Break after all and Key West is chock FULL of those REALLY cute college boys! Hey Window shopping ONLY!
I'll write more this week and stay in touch, huh? I get tons of emails every day and always make a point to write back, so drop me a line!
Make it a great week and don't forget to let the people you love, know how much they mean to you... every single day! Life's too short to be sour! (Rodney's favorite line!)

Yeah, I know...but it was fun! I don't really think I can describe it, so I took some pictures. Click on the thumbnails and a larger shot will open in a new window.

And afterwards, my face felt SO smooth! Of course I wasn't any cuter, but hey! It's not a miracle mask! And YES, even SiSi wanted to get in on the actions, but I don't think they make doggie masks!  
44 years of abuse and I decide to start "masking" now! I think it's WAY too late!
A few new items in the Jay Sheldon Dot Com Store. Check 'em out, including the newly redesigned Malaysian Concert Shirt
And an adorable plush bunny for Spring! He's really cute so stop by and check out all the Jay Sheldon Dot Com Merchandise!
Remember, the items you buy all help sponsor my next trip to Malaysia to visit Rodney! So hey, if you believe in romance and love, help support the cause!
(I know, I'll try anything!)
Hope you week was great and your weekend even better.