Monday, February 25th, 2002: It's 5:42PM and we just got back from
paying for our tickets to Malaysia. Now, ...it's for certain. No turning
back, (unless we want to lose about 2 grand) and while I should be happy
about a trip to SouthEast Asia, I couldn't be more sad.
Not to continue to be a silly Mary about the whole thing, but it finally
has hit home. He's really leaving, we're really going to be
apart for all that time. We really will have to cling to faith and
hope that our love is strong enough and our relationship will survive over
the coming 2 years and ten-thousand miles.
At this very moment, I am feeling two very distinct and different feelings.
None of them very good. Of course I'm very sad. I don't have to explain that
feeling, but at the same time, I can feel this anger growing inside me. Anger
born out of the fact that people are out there, every single day, fighting
against the laws and rule that will keep us apart. Anger that is built on
the idea that when I drive down the road or walk down the street holding
my partner's hand, some people still look at us and "suck their tongue" in
disgust or laugh. I don't really give a shit what they think or feel about
it, but I DO give a crap that people change their attitudes about who we
are and that people know that our relationship is valid. I care that people
stop thinking that our relationship is based only on sex, that people think
we're just "sick" or we are "sinners" or have mental problems. I care that
people know how much I love this man, that people understand that our love
is absolutely NO different than ANY love two people have for one another,
regardless of their gender.
I care about it, but I know there is little I can do to change people's minds.
And for those of you who say "who cares what other's think, Live as you like"
If someone doesn't let those people know that they're wrong, they will continue
to think that way, they will continue to believe whatever myth they have
been taught or preached. They will continue to spread the wrong idea about
who you and I are, and about what you and I believe in. Not caring about
what others think, to me is akin to sticking you head in the sand. You HAVE
to care and stand up to it, if you're ever going to change it. I don't mean
care about their opinion by not holding your partner's hand in public or
not giving him or her a kiss when it might not seem an "appropriate" place
to do that. My attitude now is "fuck 'em". If a "straight" couple could hold
hands in "this" situation, wherever that might be, then there is NO reason
we can't either. If someone has a problem with it, and THIS is what I mean
by caring what people think, and they make a comment or "suck their tongue's"
Speak out! Call them on it. Get IN THEIR FACE. Let them know, you are NO
different than ANY other couple.
Listen, I also know that I'm "preaching to the choir" writing about it here.
You, gentle reader, are already more than aware of our problems, you know
how we feel. You have followed along with this saga from the beginning, or
for some of you, maybe it's your first time reading these words here. I get
new emails every single day from people who have "found" this site for the
first time and write to say hello, and how they feel sorry about our situation
and wish us the best of luck in the future. I know I don't have to tell YOU
about the problems two "bi-national" gay men, so desperately in love, have
to face.
We are headed down a road paved with the tears of many couples before us,
and we are adding our tears to that well-traveled road now. My only hope
is that what we learn and what we might be able to contribute to the path
will someday open the doors for others. Others who will, without a single
doubt, find themselves in exactly the same situation. We are not the first
travelers along this way and we will certainly, and unfortunately, not be
the last. It is the strength of those others, like the
Tim
Miller and Alistair McCartney's and the
Marta Donayre
and Leslie Bulbuk's and their struggles which we will cling to. I can
only hope that as we learn and grow from this experience, one day some other
bi-national couple, who find themselves facing this road, can draw some small
amount of strength from our story. In the fact that, against all the
odds, two people whose love was stronger than the people who tried to keep
them apart, stronger than a country's law which worked against them, whose
love lasted and grew stronger, against all the odds.
And in the end ...survived.
I know, in my heart, that our love will do exactly that.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002: Okay, Okay
I'm sorry. I really
really am trying to keep up to date around here, but time seems to be flying
by so quickly lately!
There's a bunch of things I have to tell you about, some simple and some
complex. First let me show you the most remarkable meal that the love of
my life made for us the other day. Rodney is an incredible chef, as I think
I've written about here before. However, although he's Malay-Chinese, he
doesn't cook a lot of Asian foods. Now don't misunderstand me, it isn't that
he can't! When he does cook that style of cuisine, it's WONDERFUL.
It's simply that he prefers to be "adventurous" when it comes to the kitchen,
(among other places!)
< all right THAT'S enough! > Anyway, he DID make a very traditional
Malay dish for lunch the other day and it was WONDERFUL! It's called Nasi
Lemak.
Here's a picture.
If you click on the thumbnail shot, it'll open in a larger new window. In
a word
YUMMY! Spicy hot, savory, just incredible, and he says it's
very typically Malay. You can find it with variations at a lot of roadside
stands in Malaysia.
Now, on to other things. We had a dinner party last weekend. Bertie and Kenia
came over for a delicious roast beef dinner that we made. Well, I say "we",
Rodney did the roast and the asparagus with the béarnaise sauce, and
all I did was my famous mashed potatoes. Now I can hear you laughing
just
hang on a second! I can hear you laughing! It's an art you know?! Making
good tasty mashed potatoes. I make them VERY well thank you! We all had a
great time and we went out partying afterwards at KWEST and Bourbon Street.
We had forgotten it was the Mardi Gras celebration and they crowned the new
"King of Bourbon Street: I forget his name but OH MY! What a hunk! Woo Hoo!
We all had a great time and guess what? Mark (the mostly silent roommate)
actually went out with us! It was a lot of fun and he no sooner walked in
the place than someone grabbed his butt! Some guys have ALL the luck! He
wasn't interested, but hey, at least he had the chance! Rodney and I danced
the night away and really enjoyed ourselves. One little side note to JIMMY:
Very funny pal! Stop playing with my hair! Thought I didn't notice?!
The phone rang yesterday and I had a HUGE surprise. It was Chau calling to
say hello! (See my "friends" page) I haven't heard from Chau in months and
so we had bunch of catching up to do. As it turns out, he also has a new
man in his life AND he is Malaysian! I always felt Chau and I were "cosmically"
connected! As we talked it was incredible, the similarities were unbelievable!
Chau is almost finished with his schooling and he about to graduate from
a course that saw something like 80 percent of the people drop out because
if the intense nature of this course of study. It's something medical and
it's very mind boggling, and I'm so proud of Chau for sticking it out and
completing this course. It wasn't easy, but you made it! It is always so
nice to hear from friends you haven't heard from in a long time. I can't
tell you how much it meant to me and how big of a smile it put on my face
to hear from him again after all this time. I've usually made a habit of
doing just that, calling someone I haven't spoken to in ages, just to say
"hi" and "I'm thinking of you". Do someone a favor, think of an old friend,
someone you haven't heard from in a long time, maybe even years and years.
Call them! If you don't have their number anymore, take a few minutes and
look it up. These days with the Internet sources available and the 411-directory
assistance set up the way it is, you'd be amazed the numbers they can find
for you, even sometimes if you don't know where they live! Try it and give
that special person a call, it only takes a few minutes and it will make
someone's day, week, or maybe even month.
More "kind of" good news
as I've written about already here. I've been
in touch with Tim Miller the performance artist who's in a very similar situation
to our problem with Rodney's Visa running out. He gave me a name of someone
at the Lesbian and Gay Immigrations Rights Task Force in New York City, at
their national office. I had left a message a while ago for him and yesterday
he called me back at home. He spent a long time talking with me about ways
in which we might solve our problem and things to be careful of. It was
refreshing, after banging my head against the wall so often, to actually
find someone who was willing to take the time to really listen and understand
our troubles and try and help. As it turned out, he had met Rodney while
he and his partner were vacationing last year here in Key West! It truly
IS a small world! Please do what you can to help support the Permanent Partner's
Immigration Act. You can find out more about it on the
LGIRTF website. There's
also a petition to sign "electronically" there. Please do that! With the
events of late, I have made a resolve in my life to be much more active and
outspoken from this moment on
When someone makes a comment about lesbian
and gay couples and how we're not REALLY married, "It doesn't count", "They
shouldn't have that right" ", "
defending the sanctity of marriage:
every time you hear that and don't step up to the plate and defend
our honor (yours AND mine) and honor our partnerships, we lose a little.
Every time you allow someone to continue not only to think that way, but
also to pass on that type of ridiculous bullshit attitudes to others and
don't say something, it hurts all of us. Every single one of us. All
the "Jay & Rodney's" out there suffer for it. That's why, as I said,
I have made a personal resolve to speak up. I can clearly remember instances
when I've heard people make those kinds of comments and I'll admit, I've
turned a deaf ear and walked away. Well, not anymore. Now I know the kind
of heartache it causes. I will not allow that kind of thinking to continue
when I'm around. It might not do much to change many people, but you know,
if it only changes one person's mind, if I make one person stop for just
a moment and think about it, I've made a difference.
Well, unfortunately, even with the help of the Lesbian and Gay Immigration
Rights Task Force there isn't really much we are going to be able to do about
this problem. I am trying to get myself prepared to spend the time apart,
begin together when our schedules (and our pocketbooks) allow, and believe
that the love we share will be strong enough to get us through. In my heart,
I know it will be. It's all I have to cling to.
More news on that front
When Rodney returns to Malaysia
I'M GOING
WITH HIM! WOO HOO!
Now, before you get all excited and think you'll be losing me forever, you
won't. I have found some very inexpensive round trip tickets from Miami to
Malaysia. With some shuffling I was able to get the time, and money and when
that plane lifts off from Miami International for Kuala Lumpur, it will be
carrying TWO passengers from Key West! Rodney
and me! I'll be spending
about 2 weeks there with him, I'll get to meet his family and see the city
where he lives, and meet some of his friends. In spite of the fact that I'd
much not have to make the trip at all, I'm very much looking forward to it.
All except for that last part, when I get on the plane heading back to Key
West and he stays there. That will be the most difficult moment of my entire
life. Trust me on this one.
So, I'll keep you up to date, I'm even trying to arrange a way to get you some pictures of our trip WHILE I'm there, so you don't have to wait for me to get back. I'll certainly be keeping a journal of the trip and taking a lot of shots, and you can expect a big spread when I return. But for now, that's enough time down the road from now, that I'll be letting you know more as it gets closer.
Oh my gawd! This has turned into a novel of a journal update! One last
thing
and I hope I haven't bored you by now.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. A day for love!
Let me tell you what my sweetheart did for me. I know about it before tomorrow,
because he had NO knowledge of these things and wanted to be sure he bought
a good one, so he asked me first.
HE BOUGHT ME A PIANO!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS!
Now a brief story, (I know, I know!)
I have never liked electronic pianos, I learned to play on an ugly old upright
and I'd take that over the best electronic money can buy. They just don't
"feel" like a real piano. Well, not anymore, I have been SO impressed with
the new technology. It's amazing. They "feel" just like the real thing! Okay
enough techie-talk, I have a new Yamaha piano winging it's way here and
it should be here on Friday!!! WOW! I
can't wait, I haven't had my fingers on a keyboard in years, I miss it so
much, BUT
you know what's the MOST special part of all? I will always think
of my love for him when I'm playing. What better way to spend that "hour"
a day together, (see Feb 7th update) even if we can't be physically together?
Rodney, my love
you are my universe, you mean the world to me. I can't
think of another person on earth
I'd rather be spending this special day, and the rest of my life with, than
you.
I love you
. always, and forever.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Thursday, February 7th, 2002:Hey! It's February already! Valentine's
Month! What are YOU doing for YOUR sweetie?! Rodney has the day off, I'm
still trying to get the day off and we're still deciding on what we'll do
to make it special.
Wanna hear something that will make you say, "awwwwwwwww"? Last night as
we lay in bed, he turned to me and told me this would be the first Valentine's
Day he's actually spend with someone he loves. In the past he's always
been apart from the special person in his life, because of different
circumstances, but THIS year he actually gets to spend this special
day with the special guy in his life! (okay now, all together) "awwwwwwwwww!"
Seriously, I can't think of another Valentine's Day that will mean as much
to me as this one. As I said we're still deciding on our plans, but you know
what? Even if we just stay home and spend the time together, it will be the
very best Valentine's of my life!
Things are moving along for our plans for him having to leave the country.
I met and found some great information from a very special guy. He's a
performance artist, you may have heard of him before. His name is Tim Miller.
His story is very similar to ours, in that his lover's visa is also running
out and they are going to be faced with moving to Canada to be together,
or live apart for a time, because of the same ridiculous Immigration laws
that are going to keep Rodney and I physically apart for so long.
He gave me some great advise and put me in touch with some people who are
trying to help.
Check
out his website. It's great. His new book comes out this March.
You'll notice a new logo on the opening pages to Jay Sheldon Dot Com. It
looks like this:
It's the Lesbian and Gay Immigration Rights Task Force site. (LGIRTF) A coalition
of immigrants, attorneys and other activists that addresses the widespread
discriminatory impact of immigration laws on the lives of lesbians, gay men
and people with HIV through education, outreach and advocacy and by providing
legal services, information, referrals, and support. They are working every
day to help people like Rodney and me. Please check out the site, sign the
petitions and let YOUR congress-people know they need to support legislation
like the "Permanent Partners Immigration Act" (PPIA). One day, my friends...one
golden day.
One other item related to our staying together. I'm not sure that he meant
this for "public consumption, but I've edited out the personal parts and
I just HAVE to copy an email that someone very special sent to me. I met
"Dynamic Dad" a
while ago. He found this site and wrote to say hello. We've emailed each
other back and forth and become "internet friends". He took it upon himself
to write me with some beautiful advise which I just feel I have got to share
with you. I do this because I know how much it had helped Rodney and me,
and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, I know it can help
you. In fact, I'd call it a "Gay couples survival guide" I was absolutely
"floored" when I read it.
I found myself sitting here and wondering just what I was going to do, as
I'm not the best at dealing with these kinds of problems of the heart. I
have a tendency to overreact. Dynamic Dad's advise was like a bright light
in a dark time.
(DD: I will never be able to thank you enough for what you've passed along
to us. It really helped and continues to help. I hope you don't mind my posting
a bit of it here, but it is too valuable to keep to myself.)
"Hi again Jay, we corresponded a few months ago. As always I've
enjoyed your website and the "continuing adventures of Jay Sheldon." As a
former resident of Key West, I check in on you each day at least once. Not
so much to watch you on webcam (though I'm a webcammer too as you know),
but more to see your Journal and how your life is going, my friend.
In early December, your one journal entry made it all quite clear that you
were headed for some really "tuff" times in the very near future. Throughout
the holidays I refrained from writing to you while you and Rodney were enjoying
your lives "together" because I didn't want to do anything in the way of
correspondence that might spoil those wonderful times.
However, with your most recent entry (31 Jan) I believe that you (and Rodney)
have now begun to deal with that uncertain future, my friend. My heart, love,
and best wishes go out to both of you as you embark on this untraveled
path.
While I won't bore you with all the details of the experiences my lover and
I have gone through over the last 22+ years. Suffice it to say, because of
our careers and professions there have been many times during that period
when we have been forced to live apart for almost as much as a year at a
time on opposite ends of the country and world. While, indeed we didn't have
to deal with the "immigration" issues that you and Rodney must face, I guess
it doesn't really matter what the "issue" is, when all you know in your heart
is that you're alone and not with the person you love, worship and would
without thought, die for.
All the cliches (e.g., "absence makes the heart grow fonder" etc) are not
going to help one bit, and if anything, they'll probably piss you off like
they did us, during our many years of separation(s). However, my dear loving
men, you can also believe me when I say, that just because you are "forced"
<for whatever idiotic reason> to be apart, does not mean that it has
to jeopardize the love that you have for each other, nor the relationship
that you have between the two of you. Likewise there are no secret ingredients
for making all of that happen, as the ingredients for each loving relationship
vary among the loving couples who must endure these separations.I can easily
list a few of the things that worked for my other half and I over the last
22 years and they're really pretty simple:
1. Devote a minimum of one (uninterrupted) hour each day to your mate (whether
you're together or apart). Together is not always easy either, I know, especially
if you have different schedules, work-related stress etc... but you cannot
afford to NOT do that, so make the time! When you're apart, do the very same
thing.... one full hour, uninterrupted. Of course with the internet there
may be ways you can help that along by using some form of instant messenger
if possible. Time changes are difficult but with a little work and effort
you both can find a time when the two of you can be "together" if only for
5 or 10 minutes (make it happen). Telephone calls should be "scheduled" (like
any other appointment you might have) so that the precious time that the
two of you can talk is uninterrupted and you can devote yourself entirely
to one another. If there is no other way, use email or even the postal services
{gasp!} to spend that one uninterrupted hour each day with each other. Journals,
diaries, email ..whatever it takes. Find ways each day to express the love
you have for one another, without dwelling on the fact that you are apart.
2, Do NOT project your misery onto your mate. (edited personal story here)
The time and location differences will necessarily result in different
happenings at different times. Don't try to put each other into your "time
zone happenings" at that moment. There is nothing the other can do about
it, so it makes no sense to saddle them with that kind of thing. Things like
that only serve to frustrate your partner because of the "situation" causing
you to be apart in the first place.
3. As you must part physical company, after being together for some period
of time ... always, Always, ALWAYS, have at least a tentative schedule for
your next "together time" ... it doesn't matter that it might be several
months or more, but you MUST have something between the two of you that you
can at least look forward too ... never leave your love and relationship
open ended.
If you (plural) think they might work for, or might at least give you some
basic ideas of things that would make your difficult journey easier, please
use them.
Finally, and from my heart my friends, while I'm a bit older now and bit
worn because of all the things we have gone through over the many years,
if there is anything I can do to help either of you through this period that
you're facing, rest assured it would not only be my pleasure, but my honor.
May your love last forever .. and may the two of you gain strength from that
love you have for each other!
Best Regards,
Dynamic Dad"
Let me tell you, this simple yet loving advise, is exactly what will help
us make it work through these next couple of years.
Rodney and I both agreed that these are the kinds of things that we can and
will do to help "us" survive. Thank you again DD. You're in our prayers.
There's more to come and more news, including some great pictures I have
to get added here in the journal, but I wanted to take at least a little
time and bring you up to date on some of the important things so far. I'll
get the fun stuff and the pictures up here over the weekend.
Don't forget to tell the people you love how much they mean to you...and
do it everyday!
Talk with you soon....